Uncertainties, Part II

A quarter of the year gone by already. I envy little kids sometimes; it's nice to have time go by "slowly" and not feel like everything is starting to speed up day by day, until it becomes a blur.

In this blur that I call my life, I'm revisiting thoughts I expressed last month. Namely, what to do with myself. I'm still not sure if I want to go back to school or not. It's about 30% "yes," 70% "hell no!" and a smidgen of "maybe" in the middle. I still haven't found a job; some days I pound the pavement and look quite hard. Other days I barely make a pretense of doing so. The best I can say is that the house is in reasonable shape, the bills are paid, and except for the lack of money rolling in, things are fairly smooth on the surface. It's just frustrating being the age I am and still playing "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

I'm still toying with the idea of being a writer. I've had many people tell me that I should be a writer, that I have what it takes. Sometimes I think they're right, then other days I say, "Who am I kidding?" I read _Bird by Bird_ by Anne Lamott earlier this year, and she has a few good writing tips that I've taken up; one of them is to write every day, at least a little. If you've followed this blog very closely, you know I don't always post every day. But it is my goal, and I do consider it part of my exercise as a budding writer. But I also know writing is generally a lonely, underpaid craft for the most part, and I need a day job to pay the bills. I've written a couple of articles for SIGNews, and had one published last month.

I envy those people that know what they want to do, or are doing what they want to do. Even those who have a steady paycheck and are satisfied with where they are. I know some of my friends are reconsidering their paths, or looking for new opportunities, but it's a bit humbling for me, as I'm at the age where just about everyone I know is married, and most have at least one kid. Many have bought houses or are more or less permanently settled. I can count the number of single friends I have on two hands. My wife is younger, so her "generation" is still semi-nomadic, still figuring out their place in life. I can plan on attending a few more weddings yet. Some days I feel like everything will be fine, something will turn up. Other days I feel like life is passing me by.

Lest you think I'm in a deep funk, I'm not completely there yet. I'll let you know if I am. *grin* Not all is doom and gloom, even if I write about a variety of topics from a cynical and often pessimistic view. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful wife, a healthy, generally happy family, and some really great friends. I'm in generally good health. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. I live in a good neighborhood. I live in a first world country in a great state with fantastic weather, in a century that is technologically and medically the most advanced thus far. I am overeducated, have all my wits about me (some might disagree, heh), and enjoy creature comforts, such as the computer I'm typing on now. I have a car that not only runs, but is paid for. Oh, and we have really nice neighbors. I consider that a perk. *grin*

So in short, I'll figure things out one way or another. But I do muse from time to time on what I'm doing, where I want to go, and how I get there. I just sometimes wish I had a better, more clear road map.